Hazard Lights

It's snowing. That's not a hazard douchebag...

You think you're the only one on the road who's driving in sh*tty conditions? Well, you're not. You're just the asshole who thinks that having your hazards blinking is going to magically protect you from danger.

You're wrong. Turn off your f*cking hazard lights.. Oh, but "Safety First" right? Well, maybe you think YOU'RE safer. But you're making everyone else hate life. All your stupid lights do is create blinking glare on everyone's windsheilds. And their not safety lights, they're HAZARD lights..

If you're driving with your hazards on, you better be going 15 miles an hour on the shoulder with a serious f*cking problem. Not keeping up with traffic without a care in the world... DOUCHEBAGS...


Toilet Seats Can't Hurt You

I HATE toilet seat covers. What is WRONG with you? Are you THAT bored? Are you THAT afraid?

If you seriously think that you can get some disease from a toilet seat, your F*CKING CRAZY.

Just stay home, because if you think a permeable sheet of tissue paper is going to protect you from anything, you're a complete retard.

Worst case scenario... There's piss all over the toilet seat. If you use a toilet seat cover, it soaks up the urine, and your ass STILL gets piss all over it.

And you know, I'm a victim of toilet seat crimes. I actually sat in SH*T in a porta-potty. Yeah, sh*t. Somebody else's SH*T. And you know what, I think about that day and all I can think is "Jesus, if only I had put down some toilet paper. If I could just go back and cover that sh*t with some absorbent paper, maybe it would have saved me." Sure.

The truth is, I wish the person who shit all over the seat hadn't been so God damned paranoid about "disease" because if they were F*CKING normal, they would have sat the f*ck down, and taken a sh*t , IN THE HOLE, like everybody else.

Toilet seat covers encourage people to shit and piss all over toilet seats. They enforce the idea that there is something dirty about toilet seats, so you f*cking sheep hover and spray your waste all over the once sanitary surface, ruining days for SANE people.


Maybe I'M the crazy one. Maybe tissue really can protect you from bacteria or infectious diseases. I guess that's why doctors operate with tissue paper gloves. And when someone has ebola, they put them in a tissue paper hut so that they don't infect anyone else. And the army makes their bulletproof armor out of tissue paper. Maybe tissue paper can pretty much protect you from anything.

So when you're opening your christmas gifts, save all of that valuable tissue paper, because it could mean the difference between life or death.

Logic is totally wasted on people ruled by fear...



Get over yourself. Yes, you.

None of us is perfect. We ALL f*ck up. We ALL have problems.

Fix them.

Then you'll have new problems, and still not be perfect.

But at least you'll be out of denial.

I can deal with people with issues, because we ALL have issues. I can't deal with people who have issues and refuse to admit it.

Actually, I REALLY hate it when they admit they have issues, but won't do anything to help remedy said issues.

Therapy isn't so bad. Look at those nice chaps in the photo, having a chit chat... Now why is that so scary?

Probably because they're twins.. Just one of them is wearing glasses.. I guess it is kind of creepy.


I always thought it was scripted..

but now that I think about it, maybe the scenarios on Jerry Springer really DO happen in real life..

It's just sad. I feel true compassion for people who f*ck up their lives with simple things. Maybe they have low self-esteem, maybe they're lonely. Maybe they just don't know how to cope with the cards they've been dealt. Either way, it's so sad to see people circling the drain, and just trying to hold on.

I'd like to think that I wasn't right there with them, and that I work hard to avoid that downward spiral. One day I woke up and realized that life doesn't just happen to me, and I had to take responsibility for where I was in my life, and stop blaming everyone/everything else. MY choices and MY decisions were the cause of my unhappiness. While it sounds very humbling, realizing that your choices shape your life is also very empowering.

Hell, maybe I'm not all empowered and "on the right track". Maybe there are folks out there writing blogs about me. But I'm on a journey.

If you're willing to get f*cked over and over and over, disregard this call to action, but I just want to encourage all of us to stop and THINK about the consequences of our actions. THINK about whether or not what you're doing could potentially F you in the A. Please. PLEASE.

I am thinking about this because I see these patterns happening to people in my life. People I love and care about. I hate that feeling when you hear that something awful, yet totally preventable happens. I just shake my head and I used to feel angry, but now my eyes just fill up with tears, and I worry, and try to trust that things will be okay. But it's getting harder to have that faith.

Luckily, other people's bad decisions rarely hurt me or interfere with my life. And even though I'm disappointed, I would rather feel sad than be indifferent. I would rather be angry than apathetic. At least when you're sad or angry, you maintain some faith in humanity.

I love the people in my life, be they friends or family. I want the best for them, but that's not enough. THEY need to want the best for them, too. I just want them to do right by themselves, no matter how inconvenient or uncomfortable that may be. It is a lot easier to blame life for happening to you, but the consequences and pain last exponentially longer.

If you want the best for yourself, get out of denial. It hurts, but the pain of accepting your mistakes is not any worse than lying to yourself. And once you accept them, they go away. You're human and you f*ck up, accept it and forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgiveness is freedom to make mistakes, just try to learn from them. It's a beautiful thing.

So one last note about Jerry Springer... We all know it's fake, but those things REALLY do happen to people. And we like to sit on the couch and look down our noses at them, but really, they've just made some really bad decisions. And when it happens to someone you love, hopefully you'll feel compassion for them, because they're just lost children, looking for someone to love them and fill their void, and that's the saddest thing I can think of.


I Don't Want To Date Him

This friend of mine is seeing a new girl.

A bit of history..

We've known eachother for about 7 years. We dated for about 2 months of that seven years, which roughly translates into 2.38% of the entire time we've known eachother. I'm not too good at math, so I may be off.. Either way, our "romance" didn't work, and we've recovered gracefully, and maintained an honest and supportive friendship. We have a bunch of mutual friends, and everything is cool with everyone.

About the girl...

This new girl is intelligent, responsible and has a great personality. She is friends with all of my friends, and I've always liked her. I approve wholeheartedly. She's exactly the kind of girl I would reccomend for him.

I'm thankful that for once he's not dating a stupid bitch. His former girls were crazy or possessive or totally dysfuctional. One time, he dated this girl who was living with her boyfriend and dating him at the same time. Any good friend would discourage that, myself included. And he's always objected to all of the sh*t-caked relationships I've been in.

Of all the girls in the universe, I would be the last girl to do anything to ruin this guy's current relationship. I won't lie, I love him. He's my best friend. But, that in NO WAY means I want to date him or hook up with him or do anything to jeapordize this. I'm not a threat. I'm on her side, I am rooting for her, all in favor say yay... yay.

It's the aforementioned stupid bitches she's gotta watch out for. Nevertheless, she's uncomfortable with me hanging out.

Now, let's ignore the 82 months that we DIDN'T date, and focus on the 2 months that we did. This happened this past summer, so while most people would assume that the relationship is a fresh wound in our minds and hearts, in actuality, the reasons for ending the relationship are most prominent. Those two months are proof that the other 82 months were far superior. It took 6 and a half years for anything to happen, so scientifically, this girl has until 2012 to start worrying about any problems.

I respect that she doesn't want me around. And I will do my best to stay at a distance. But I can't guarantee that we're going to stop hanging out together. That's not fair. I just wanted all of us to be cool. I don't want there to be problems. I don't want her to be uncomfortable and I don't want him to feel guilty. There has to be a better way, because this sucks.


Dancing With The Stars

They call it Dancing With The Stars.

I call it: "Hey, Do You Have the Remote?"


Adult Temper Tantrums

When a grown man gets all pissed off and starts throwing things or punching walls, I want to shoot myself. I can't think of anything more retarted. Seriously.

The thing is, they don't do it when they're alone. They do it in plain sight, or they're loud enough so that someone will turn around and pay attention to their temper tantrum.

I have no patience for reactionaries.